I will have been home with the kids full-time for 6 and half years and during that time I have feel as though I lost myself. Between being a Mother, Wife, Nurse, Event Coordinator, Trainer, Teacher, Chef, Baker, Dry Cleaner, Maid, Hostess, Referee, Entertainer, etc you loose what is most important & that is yourself! You quickly forget how & what it is you need or liked or were once interested in. The things that I once enjoyed don't seem to be interesting anymore. I have put all my time, energy and heart & soul into the well-being of my family that suddenly you don't matter anymore & finding what it is that I enjoy is even harder. I have given up so much all for the purpose of family & I don't in way have any regrets of that, but I do need to soul search. I need to find me again, where did I go? Some people will either get it or not get it... And I really don't care if people really don't begin to understand it.
So now as September quickly approaches it is time to start thinking about what I want to do & where I want to go, but I have been told that I should have thought about this stuff way back then, not now!! But who has time to think about what you are going to do in 5 years when you are making meals, cleaning up after meals for a family of 4, changing beds & diapers, doing mountains of laundry & putting it away, playing & have the life sucked right out of you day in a day out? What is that I enjoy or want to do? Hmm, I don't know? Jump off a bridge, or do "mindless stuff" take time for me!! Maybe at the end of every term when the mother is ready to go back to work, maybe the Government should send her away on a nice friggin vacation to take a break, relax & unwhnyed.. Wouldn't that not be nice, god everyone on assistance gets a friggin gravy train ride by the Government, why not actually give back to the people that actually deserve it.. But we won't go there, that is an entirely different Blog Topic... LMAO
I have tossed a few things around, but because of my being submerged in "Kids" and "Family", I don't feel that I have the self-confidence to go out and tackle them, I guess it is a fear of rejection, it is easy for people to say you will be great at it, but when you struggle with it yourself then it is hard. Applying for jobs after being home for 6 years is not an easy one to do you don't realize at how much things have changed, people are not just going to hire you because you gave up your career to be at home with your kids, that does not give you a Mother of Century award & allow to you just walk in to every job you apply for. Employers don't just say "Hey she must be one hell of a person to do that, some people just don't get it. I have said this many time & will say it again, you don't truly know about something until you are in the that situation yourself.. It is so easy for everyone to say how it easy it is, but you have no clue. Every person is different there is no 2 people alike!
So I am finding that I have hit a Crossroads with job, family & most of all me. You can't have it all, you really can't. Do I want big and great things, goodness no, but I do know one thing is forsure, I just want to be comfortable! Copious amounts of money and things don't make you happy. I just want to be in a happy place, I want to be & feel grounded with no pressures in life. I want to feel at ease & finally feel happy within me! Money can never buy Happiness, the richest people in the world are miserable & their kids feel it. Money changes people! Sometimes things can be so complicated it is frustrating what happen to the simple days?
Then it goes back to the question, Do I want a Career again? Do I want to go back into Insurance? I don't know! I don't think so, I don't want to be one of those parents that does not want to come home after a long day at the office and not be able to deal with the kids after being in the door 10mins, I have scene it happen ALOT & it is quite scary actually ~ I want to be home for dinner every night with my kids, I want to help them with their homework, I don't want to pay someone else to watch my kids, I don't want to travel for work, I don't want them to not have a parent at home at the end of a long day, I don't want to miss school trips, I don't want to let them feel as though they are alone at the end of the day. But at the same time.It is hard and when you have been home with them for so long it is truly hard to just let go! Mothers find it hard to let go of things only being home after 1 year, imagine almost more on top of that. I have mentioned going in to retail for a bit but that is apparent not good enough? I am selling myself short~ But going into retail provides all that I want with even more flexibility! I tell them I am available 2 to 3 days a week between the hours of 9:30-3, I am making money not a lot but more then I was being home for 6 years, I am avail when the kids need me, I am there when they get home, no one is watching them, no one is going to give a rats ass if I have been off work for 6years, they don't care & I will get some ME time back! It seems like a win win, besides I really love shopping & clothes so hey! LMAO. If I could find an office job that would accomidate my wants then it would be perfect, but the likely hood of that is slim to none! Then it boils down to, only having 1 car, If I go back to work in the fall I will need a vehicle! Taking the bus here is just not an option with 2 kids in school. I can picture it now, I get a call at work because one of the kids is sick, how on the earth to do leave early & on time to pick them up on a fucking BUS!! Like really...
This being at a Crossroads with everything in my life is crazy & frustrating. These are the things I am feeling & wondering about, what to do & where to go? I need to find me & how does one go about doing it? I wish I had the answers & I wish I knew what lies ahead but I don't nor does anyone else!
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