New Beginnings

Thank you everyone that gave such kind words regarding yesterdays blog, it was a hard one to write! It was wonderful to hear the words of encouragement, sometimes you need that encouragement from others. Emotionally it brings up alot of what I was feeling the first year of her diagnosis. When writing it, I never realized at how I really felt until I began to blog about it & got it all out in the open. You don't realize at how much we keep inside (especially women) until you start letting it out. Maybe I should have gone and talked to someone cause I was obviously not fine, I dealt with alot of the emotion on my own (which I did not have too, I had amazing support, I just get quiet when overwhelmed). I obviously had some problems handling it, I think the thing that kind of gets me, is did I shut Tom out on my feelings? He was there to talk too, but I always portrayed that I was okay & handling it well, when clearly I was not? Don't get my wrong there were times when I was not always strong and we would talk, but there were times that I just held it together!   I think I just did not want to admit that I was not okay so I went on like I was, if I cracked it would mean that I was weak!  You have to portray a strong imagine for your kids, mothers aren't weak are they?? He is pretty good at reading me when I am down and out or something is really bugging me. But maybe he was just as equally upset but did not want to say anything because he had to be the strong one as he always is??

On the outside I appeared calm, cool and collected but on the inside I was a bloody mess!
I think the real breaking point for me was when we attended the TS Conference last year! Wow, I broke down, that was really hard on me, I think I had perma tears in my eyes all weekend.. It was in my face, clear as day, other people stories the good, the bad, the ugly!  The scale for TS was SO broad from not so serious to severe.  I think all weekend I was in a state of panic, I just wanted to go home, I was on information overload. Although we met some great people & made great friends, I just wanted to scream and leave! Everything was still SO fresh!! The friends I made that weekend will last a lifetime!
I think last year might have just been a living hell for me now that I think about and vent... A TS Diagnosis a few short months ago, A move, house packed in storage 2 different locations to boot, not feeling settled, waiting for a new home, designing a new home, motherly duties, wife duties etc....  Then the nay sayers that would be there to knock me back down with even more to ponder which never allowed me to deal... I think had I been in a better place, they would have been outtie long before January 2011... There were times when he would be at work and I would be with her and I would just cry! I was hurt, I was scared of what was too come, because I can't see the future, I did not know how this was going to unfold. Attending Sick kid appointments was upsetting, because I feel/felt like we should really not be there again wanting to run, but if there is anywhere you want to be it is there.  When we are there our kids ask ALOT of questions and you need to hold back the tears at times! It can be a very sad place that they make so cheery and happy because there are so many sick little boys and girls who call that their home day in and day out. The walls are so colourful & bright with happy clowns around to try & cheer them up, the staff is patient and kind. When the girls go into the appts they give them little presents to make it more comfortable.  It is such a fantastic place for little ones, it can truly pulls on your heart strings being there.  No parent ever wants to hear there is something going on with your child & I don't think anyone will ever understand that until you are a parent.

It is crazy how looking back I could see how this kind of stuff can pull a family apart, but instead I think it might have pulled us closer, because clearly I was a mess (I can laugh about now I guess). We always tried to work as a team, but when you have kids sometimes the lines of communication get alittle severed and you being to drift apart! Kids don't make it easy at the best of times on a relationship and when you throw something like this into a marriage it can go either one of 2 ways!!
I remember when we were talking about selling our last house, shortly after the diagnosis. I was terrified, I wanted to sell because it meant new beginnings & a new start to this journey we were on. She was being teased at school for being "Small" and she was heartbroken that her peers would make fun of her size. I knew exactly how she felt, because I did not have a condition and I was constantly picked on and teased in school and that was like 25 year ago.. So I can only imagine how they are today! Little SHITS!!  She was teased constantly, JK/SK kids were wicked, they would make comments as she entered the "Play Pen" from the bus (A fenced yard were the little ones play at school) " look here comes smally", "Why are you SO small", "Smally Dolly". She needed a change and a fresh start because it was not fair to her! I even remember one day Tom taking her to school and one of the boys started up, the kid turned back and saw Tom & shit himself (not literally, you know what I mean) then the kid asked Isabelle who that was? Isabelle told him and smiled. To Isabelle, her Daddy was a hero that day! I think that might have made her an even stronger person. Then there was the thoughts of many memories in that house there were so many things that have happened in this house that it was hard to let go of! It was hard to let go and start over with all the unknowns that lie ahead for us all on this crazy new journey! But when that sign when up, I was anxious to just get rid of it.. When the SOLD sign went up, I was like WOW, this is really happening no turning back now holy shit hang on we are homeless for 3 months... LOL When we did our last clean out, it was a bittersweet leave.

New Beginnings.. Now I can finally say that moving here was the best thing we did! I am cleansed of the crap!! Isabelle loves her school and is not teased, but that is not to say that it won't happen (here's hoping not, but I am not completely ignorant), she was embraced with open arms by her peers! We are starting new memories and have realized that a " A Family Makes the Home" not the other way around. We are a closer team (although not perfect & don't expect to be) we work better together through the ups and downs of. We are here for out kids, solid!   I am a Stronger person when dealing with these issues because the guilt has faded, I feel more settled. I might not always get it right but it is on the right track. I am a stronger person because I have my family and we are healthy and happy! They make me strong!  I guess not being afraid to jump with both feet is not always a bad thing, will I do it again... Hmmm, not sure, that was a whirl wind adventure!! LOL Although very scary, the new beginnings seems to be working, I am in a good place!  TOUCH WOOD & alot of it...

Here's to new beginnings!